My heart shook for this girl
With a pink mohawk and shaved sides.
She liked my hair, I liked hers too, but mostly, I liked her heart.
Scared and confused, I ran and pushed away
Then pulled back again
Forever hoping that she would understand my pain -
Understand my existence.
I loved her, and cared,
I have the marks to prove it
And tried my best to not betray her
For she was fragile.
And yet, I hurt her, despite my best efforts.
My inability to commit myself,
To fall into dependency and monogamy
Was our end.
I'm sorry for that.
It's where I am in my life,
And I never meant to pull you along.
Finally, one day she pulled from me,
Turned her back, spoke angrily
In response to my mood
and tone.
My blood boiled,
My face transformed into that of my father's,
Clenched fist and vindictive words
Spewed from my mouth - beyond my control.
You felt used - I never used you.
You felt played - I only loved you.
You felt like you would have lost me anyway - maybe so,
But is it not better to love and lose,
Than never to have loved at all?
I've lost you,
And for that, I am sorry.
I am not sorry for my stance of monogamy,
However.
I am not sorry for my desire to shut you out,
You hurt me too, you know?
I am not sorry that I helped you change your life,
Nor am I sorry that you changed mine.
I am not sorry that you couldn't take my honesty -
What else was I supposed to offer?
I am not sorry for turning my back on you now -
Your words have caused me to lose faith in truth
And in you.
You say one thing, and then change your mind.
Your honesty is false while mine remains true.
I loved you. Past tense.
I cared for you. Past tense.
I longed for you, and craved you. Past tense.
I was sorry. Past tense.
Now I am only wishing that you would call your anger
Pain
Or hurt
Instead of anger,
Because I know that you are hurting
Just as I am hurting.
